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One liners

"That which does not kill you will also not be able to collect on the insurance."

PsyDoug

One liners

"Kid - I got a rug burn on my head. (sob!) Me - Sorry, that’s why I told you not to do that"

Things I say to my kids

One liners

"When I become President I will make Arbitrary Day a national holiday, but will leave it up to you on how and when to celebrate."

PsyDoug

One liners

"Words mean things, but only if we all agree on a common definition"

PsyDoug

One liners

"I went to a singles dating club for hermits, but I was the only one there"

PsyDoug

One liners

"Today the child is running around barefoot with socks on the ears again"

Dear Diary

One liners

"Stop picking your nose with your toes"

Things I say to my kids

One liners

"I like to make up my own catch phrases, and then misquote myself"

PsyDoug

One liners

"The kids have the bathroom ducks lined up on the deck railing and I’m barely resisting the urge to target shoot every time I walk by...."

Dear Diary

One liners

"Thinking is half the battle, the other 60% involves chocolate."

PsyDoug

One liners

"Look, if I wanted to live in Idiot Town I wouldn’t have moved to the other room for a little peace and quiet."

Things I say to my kids

One liners

"Flannel sheets - The only good thing about winter"

PsyDoug

One liners

"Son #3 - I’m my parents 2nd favorite 3rd oldest son"

Things my kids say

One liners

"You know it’s true love when she picks the potato chip crumbs out of your beard. Or she’s just hungry because she then eats them. Or she’s just part monkey and grooming you. Or all of the above...."

Dear Diary

One liners

"If I could marry any cake I want it would be a chicken pot pie"

Things my kids say

One liners

"You just signed your death warranty"

Things my kids say

One liners

"Q-Why are you wearing 2 pair of underwear? A-I wanted to disguise them."

Things my kids say

One liners

"Today the child was doing “science experiments” in the bathtub by drowning various small electronics and assorted stuffies"

Dear diary

One liners

"As I was walking up the stairs to unclog the toilet with two garbage bags, a really long screwdriver, and a pliers, I was really debating if this parenthood thing is worth it"

Dear Diary

One liners

"Watching that child eat BBQ Wings is something that should only be reserved for the worst political prisoners"

Things I say to my kids

One liners

"Today I blew the mind of the 5yo by demonstrating that my right hand is still my right hand whether facing him or facing away"

Dear Diary

One liners

"Isn’t mom great explaining that so you can promptly ignore her?"

Things I say to my kids

One liners

"You can’t have the benefits of a Christian Society without Jesus Christ at the center"

PsyDoug

One liners

"Today I had a surprisingly detailed conversation with the child on how to sit on a log. Almost needed a diagram."

Dear Diary

One liners

"I accept the fact that today you are young and ignorant, but someday my child, you shall be older and slightly less ignorant."

Things I say to my kids

One liners

"Me: Why are you covering up your head? Kid: Because my feet are cold."

Things my kids say

One liners

"The child managed to hit everything in the room except the puke bucket"

Dear Diary

One liners

"That which does not kill you will most likely leave you deeply scarred for life."

PsyDoug

One liners

"This is why wild animals eat their young"

Unknown

One liners

"Stop rubbing your forehead on the carpet or you’ll get another rug burn."

Things I say to my kids

One liners

"Look, all I know is the monkey was already in the humidifier when I went to start it in the morning"

Dear Diary

One liners

"Sharing is caring, but Sharon isn’t Karen"

PsyDoug

One liners

"I’m a good Englisher"

Things my kids say

One liners

"It's not me, it's the black tank"

Things my kids say | Camperlife

One liners

"There is no overthinking, there is only thinking"

PsyDoug

One liners

"I like to make up my own words, and then use them out of context"

PsyDoug

One liners

"Girl cheese sandwiches for lunch? I wish we had something for boys."

Things my kids say

One liners

"I guess I’m old fashioned and think finishing a sentence is"

PsyDoug

One liners

"Eat your food!"

Things I say to my kids

One liners

"I might be paraphrasing, but I'm pretty sure Dante's 1st level involves standing in line at the #DMV while listening to Christian pop music"

PsyDoug

One liners

"You can’t do outreach without reaching out"

PsyDoug

One liners

"Today the child spent 15 minutes locked in the bathroom converting all the two-ply toilet paper into one-ply"

Dear diary

One liners

"They want all the benefits of a Christian Society but they don’t want Jesus Christ"

PsyDoug

One liners

"As I’m watching the 3yo dance around in the buff after his bath, I now totally get where the classic artists get their cherub angels from."

Dear Diary

One liners

"My children won’t stop babbling nonsense, is there an oil for that?"

Dear Diary

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